chota's Blog

It became apparent to me that although I saw it that i was simply having a baby, Dan saw it some other way. In bed that night he said he didn’t want his parents knowing he had had sex and I couldn’t believe what I had heard. It was the most stupid thing I have ever heard. Turned out he thought everyone would think it was his baby and that he had just left me. I made it clear id never let anyone think that and that it was mine and Leons baby, a human baby not some doll or a puppy or some stupid little thing.

It was then he showed me how spiteful he could be. After telling me how hard life would be on my own with a baby and the fact he was sure my parents would abandon me, He said we were still young and if I wanted him in my life id have an abortion then when we were older we could have another baby. I asked him if I had any say in this and he said a simple no. 

I turned away from him and cried. I felt like I did when Leon had told me about cheating. My throat had been slashed open once again and I couldn’t believe Dan could be so mean and cold. He simply turned to the other side and went to sleep while I lay there crying and longing for the baby to make some movement to show that I was right to want to be a mum and that Leon would come home and it would all be ok. The movement didn’t come though and I cried myself to sleep hating the man next to me.

Before I knew it I had been to the doctors sitting there while Dan talked for me and got an appointment at a clinic. They said I was one week under the three month limit so I was lucky, though to me it felt like pure bad luck. He wouldn’t have had a choice if i’d have found out one week later, just the same way he wasn’t giving me one. I kept thinking about talking to my mum and asking her for help but Dan made it clear that I shouldn’t even think about telling anyone about it. I longed for someone to tell me it was ok, I could have a baby now Leon would come back and I could be ok. I wanted support and some choice though I felt like I was stepping down a one way street and there was nowhere to turn.

Dan drove me to the clinic and for the whole hour there I cant remember saying one thing to him. He acted like this was just the same as any other day and everyone did it. I felt nothing but pure hate for him as we went in and he started flicking through the magazines. I went in for to see the doctor and I was indeed just a few days off from three months. She took a scan and asked if id like a picture so I said yes please and she gave me two. She asked me if I felt I would need counselling and I said No, asked if the father would but again I said No. Then she took a dab of blood from my finger, asked me some questions and gave me an appointment two days later.

That night i went up to Leons mums and told her i was pregnant showing her the scan pictures. Id hoped that she would confirm all of my hopes about me Leon and our baby but she didnt. She was happy about the baby and took a photo to send to Leon, but her mate was there so i couldnt tell her everything about Dan and the apointment i was supposed to go back for. I hoped Leon would get the picture from his mum and my letter telling him the news and tell me it would be alright. I wanted to know that no matter what had happend recently it was still me and him against everything and we could be a family. He did get the letter and the picture but by the time he replyed it was too late.

Dan drove me back for the final appointment and again we sat in silence. he sat in the waiting room with me and although I didn’t know what to say to him I asked him one thing. ‘Don’t I get a choice?’ He ignored me and acted as though I hadn’t even said anything. I wanted nothing more than to run out the door and leave him there but where would I go? You couldn’t even get out without them buzzing the door open and then id get accused of wasting everyone’s time, id already seen the first Doctor so surely I had come too far to just go home and have the baby I wanted more than anything else.

I wanted Leon to come throught the door and drag me out and we could have our happy ever after but how could he where he was? Dan just sat there like he was waiting at the Doctors for a check up, he didn’t even look at me as I was sat next to him and when the nurse came to me and told me to follow her I looked at him one last time with my last hope. Willing him to tell me i could go home and have my baby and that I didn’t have to go with her. He didn’t even look up at me, just starred at his book, so I followed her up the stairs holding the pictures in my hand in my pocket. It felt so cruel to get a picture of your baby when so soon it would be gone. My picture of my baby, my little black and white blob with a tiny heart.

When she sat me down with a hot chocolate fifteen minutes later she asked me if the guy downstairs was the dad. I told her no the dad was in prison and wouldn’t be out for a long while, so I was alone and I had no choice. However true it was, it still broke my heart and although id been crying since I got half way up the stairs I sat there in this big comfy chair and sobbed to myself. My baby was gone. Taken from me and id never ever know weather my first born would have been a boy or a girl.

As I walked through the door’s to the waiting room Dan didn’t even look up at me. I stood in front of him feeling like a stranger until he got up and we were let outside. After all of his coldness to me inside it now I needed him, I was still crying, it was just me and him and all I wanted was a cuddle from the man who was supposed to love me. Instead all I got was his back as he walked off to the car. I got in the car wishing we were closer to home so I could just walk home rather than sit next to him for the ride home. Nobody even knew where we were and I sat there sobbing next looking out of the window as we left the car park and my baby behind.

I decided that while he was driving it was a good chance to ask him some questions as he couldn’t ignore me, but if he did I could scream at him and if that didn’t work I could hit him. I asked him why in the waiting room he’d never told me I could change my mind. His answer confirmed how I already felt about him ‘because I knew you would.’ Here he was telling me that he never gave me a choice as he knew I would have kept my baby. A baby that had nothing to do with him. All because of his reputation and how it would look to his parents.

I kept thinking how if it had been different and Leon was out we would have been a family and we would have been happy. Leon didn’t have the money that Dan had but our baby would have had everything it needed and he would have been happy about being a dad not dragging me to a clinic. We would have been happy and just forgot the last month and the stupid mistakes we both made. Id never know now though would i?

Me and Dan grew closer though it was to me just something to do being around him. It was strange having to get to know someone when I had already done it once years before with someone else. It was like having a second chance at it and I did indeed grow to like Dan alot but it was never near the feelings i had still for Leon. He was good looking, fun, rich and drove cars. Whats not to like?

We were a very good couple together and we did have a laugh together and it was nice having Ria around too. Dan was with me when I got my first tattoo and when I became hooked on computer Sim games. The whole thing of building house and playing happy families was great to me. Life could be as great or as bad as I wanted and no one actually got hurt, it was great. Some years later my mate said its that I like playing God, though in life people can get hurt and I end up feeling bad. The games were just simple harmless fun.

It was again pantomine time and Dan was helping backstage with my Dad and my brother. As they spent all time on stage we had to make our own fun backstage and this year there was plenty of it. There were two new guys E and N this year and we talked and laughed and we got on great backstage as well as when we were acting together. We rehersed from September right up till the final week in January and as me and N were ‘partners in crime’ so to speak we were always talking. He ended up taking me out for a few mock driving lessons, though I sat in the passenger seat and he told me what I should be doing and looking for on the road. We talked about everything so easily and he had even helped us put some of decorations up on the Christmas tree one day when we went out for our ’lesson.’

We had five shows along with a week practicing so when we were finished me Dan and Ria who joined the cast that year were finished we would go out driving before getting ready for the next day. The shows were going great and on the last day when feelings were running high I ended up out the back kissing E. It was a shock to my system but even more of a shock when his wife and two children came backstage after the matinee. I put it down to me being stupid and enjoyed the last show which ended up in the usual high and lows of taking down all the scenery and the after show party. I ended up talking to N on our own while still clearing up and I was glad we got along great even though he knew I was with Dan. I had fancied him since I first saw him and thought there was no problem in looking. Looking isn’t cheating and I knew Dan had a roaming eye since he’d realised all about what us girls were like.

We talked about a lot of stuff but when I slipped him a bit of paper with my phone number on he asked me how old I thought he was. I guessed and he said he was late twenties. This wasn’t a problem for me until he asked how old I was. Rather than say seventeen which sounded a bit young I told him id be eighteen in March. We ended up agreeing to continue to just be friends and he said he would call me. It surprised me that we had been out driving and got along so well even though neither of us actually knew how old the other one was. We went off to the club for the after party and E started chatting to me. He asked for my number and I told him to get it off N as I didn’t have my phone. I went home with Dan not mentioning about either of them to him and forgot the whole thing till the next day. N had said he would phone me so as Dan had gone home I went and sat in Leon’s shelter and waited for the call. I sat there for three hours but it didn’t come so I went home and decided to forget him.

Things changed for the worse on the Friday and took the decision out of my hands as to who I wanted or what I wanted to do. Leon was due to come at 7 o’clock that Friday night but I couldn’t get hold of him that day at all though I tried what seemed like non stop. When 8 o’clock came and went I knew something had happened so I phoned Boy S and asked him to go down to Leons Dads and find out for me. The answer that came back was as big a shock as when he first told me he had cheated.

He had been arrested along with his brother, J and another friend and there was no way he would be making it out for dinner that night or any night in the near future for that matter. It turned out I was right about J and my dislike of him. A lot came to light after this about what else he had been up to in our 2 weeks off. They had been out in the car a lot with a friend of theirs and had been nicking cars and crashing them, going out with all sort of new people whom I still have never met nor do I ever want to. In those 2 weeks his simple crimes went into overload. The reason they had been arrested was breaking and entering. 

This was not the Leon that I knew but then my Leon didn’t cheat either. Even though I was gutted about the fact I wouldn’t be seeing him in a long while I couldn’t believe this was what he had turned into all in the space of 2 weeks. Part of me wondered if it was my fault as it was me after all who had wanted the two weeks apart though I knew I hadn’t made him do it nor would I ever have let him. My Leon was more clever than this to follow some idiots idea of fun or a quick buck. 

Leon was never really far out of my mind no matter what I did. He wasn’t due in court for a while so apart from going to see his mum to check he was alright I tried to block out that side of my past and get on with the present with Dan for a while. I didn’t go when he was in court but his mum and S told me what had happened. Seven years. Even half of that was still three and a half years which by then we would both be in our twenties. I went once with his mum to see him at Chatham young offenders and he and his brother  seemed ok and were even sharing a room together. It  was awful leaving when the visit was over something seemed wrong and something was missing. Leon.

I went back out cruising with Dan once they had gotten back and things between us seemed to get even better. When we went to bed one night and he said he had decided he was ready to go further the one thing that popped into my head was revenge on Leon. This would surely make him feel like I did, so we did and although it seemed to take me and Dan a step further in our relationship it seemed to me to take a step back in the whole Leon saga.

I saw Leon sometimes for hours but mostly the odd half hour and things seemed strained between us though I still hadn’t told him about me and Dan. I knew I would have to at some point but I wasn’t sure when or how and was happy to have it as my own knife in his back for the moment.

It all came to head one night soon after, I had started working at the same pub with Ria so I was now working nights as well, so when Leon had phoned and I had said I was working though I was actually at a pub with Dan and some friends for his eighteenth birthday. Leon had gone down the pub on his bike and was waiting outside my house knowing I must be with Dan. When we got back I sent Dan straight inside and stopped to talk to him knowing this was my moment to tell him. After him shouting at me for still ‘messing around with Dan’. He looked shocked when he realised what was actually going on with me and Dan. He actually seemed upset and even though this was my revenge for some reason it didn’t feel as great as I had imagined it would be.

I think this was the moment I actually broke his heart, and I know he never saw me as the same person ever again. Maybe people can change completely and never go back to the way they were again, no matter how much we want to. I couldn’t understand how I had one minute been Leon’s girl and the next he had cheated on me or the fact I was now Dan’s girlfriend. Leon was everything I knew and understood but Dan was new and different and unusual to me. Leon walked down the road and didn’t look back once though I watched him till he turned the corner. Me and Dan had a bit of a tiff when I went in but I just told him that Leon was mad and that was the end of it. We went to sleep and maybe Dan thought that was the end of Leon bothering us now though I felt like I didn’t really want Leon ever not bothering me. We had been together so long it felt like something was missing.

Leon had told his mum everything that had happened so when she phoned me to come up the snooker club I thought it would be nice to have her on side which grant her due’s she was. Me and Leon sat next to each other and she said we were as bad as each other and two wrongs don’t make a right even though it makes you feel good. She knew he had broken my heart and in my shoes she has probably done the same thing. The night was going quite well until Gemma walked in bold as brass and joined us all. My anger got the better of me and when she went into the toilets I went to follow her but Leon grabbed my arm saying he would do it to Dan if I touched her. I sat back down but instead his mum went in my place telling her if she ever touched either of her sons again she’d kill her. Gemma came out shaking like a leaf and I couldn’t help but feel much better. Apart from her being there it was a real nice night and it felt just like the old days. I didn’t see Leon again for another few days but when I did it shocked me. We met in a telephone box near our local shops and when he pulled out a small box I couldn’t believe it. He had got my ring. A single Diamond gold ring. I kissed him and hugged him and he put the ring on my finger. Although he knew I needed to sort things out with Dan it seemed to him that a ring on my hand sorted out my mind. He came up a few days later and we arranged to meet at my parents on the Friday night and it would be sorted.

When he left I smiled though inside I knew it had be now or never. I had two days to decide which one and stick to my choice. No flittering about and no indecisions, just plain honesty like it used to be, be it with Leon or Dan. I knew I had a hard two days ahead and when Leon phoned the next day asking me how splitting up with Dan was I lied and told him fine even though I was as confused as ever. He said he would see me the following day and said he loved me I told him I did too and we said goodbye. I summed up the two of them in my head, my old history with Leon or a new slate with Dan. I had finally come to some sort of choice though knew It could change any minute the same way it had been for the two days id already had.