The Missing Page. | chota's Blog

It became apparent to me that although I saw it that i was simply having a baby, Dan saw it some other way. In bed that night he said he didn’t want his parents knowing he had had sex and I couldn’t believe what I had heard. It was the most stupid thing I have ever heard. Turned out he thought everyone would think it was his baby and that he had just left me. I made it clear id never let anyone think that and that it was mine and Leons baby, a human baby not some doll or a puppy or some stupid little thing.

It was then he showed me how spiteful he could be. After telling me how hard life would be on my own with a baby and the fact he was sure my parents would abandon me, He said we were still young and if I wanted him in my life id have an abortion then when we were older we could have another baby. I asked him if I had any say in this and he said a simple no. 

I turned away from him and cried. I felt like I did when Leon had told me about cheating. My throat had been slashed open once again and I couldn’t believe Dan could be so mean and cold. He simply turned to the other side and went to sleep while I lay there crying and longing for the baby to make some movement to show that I was right to want to be a mum and that Leon would come home and it would all be ok. The movement didn’t come though and I cried myself to sleep hating the man next to me.

Before I knew it I had been to the doctors sitting there while Dan talked for me and got an appointment at a clinic. They said I was one week under the three month limit so I was lucky, though to me it felt like pure bad luck. He wouldn’t have had a choice if i’d have found out one week later, just the same way he wasn’t giving me one. I kept thinking about talking to my mum and asking her for help but Dan made it clear that I shouldn’t even think about telling anyone about it. I longed for someone to tell me it was ok, I could have a baby now Leon would come back and I could be ok. I wanted support and some choice though I felt like I was stepping down a one way street and there was nowhere to turn.

Dan drove me to the clinic and for the whole hour there I cant remember saying one thing to him. He acted like this was just the same as any other day and everyone did it. I felt nothing but pure hate for him as we went in and he started flicking through the magazines. I went in for to see the doctor and I was indeed just a few days off from three months. She took a scan and asked if id like a picture so I said yes please and she gave me two. She asked me if I felt I would need counselling and I said No, asked if the father would but again I said No. Then she took a dab of blood from my finger, asked me some questions and gave me an appointment two days later.

That night i went up to Leons mums and told her i was pregnant showing her the scan pictures. Id hoped that she would confirm all of my hopes about me Leon and our baby but she didnt. She was happy about the baby and took a photo to send to Leon, but her mate was there so i couldnt tell her everything about Dan and the apointment i was supposed to go back for. I hoped Leon would get the picture from his mum and my letter telling him the news and tell me it would be alright. I wanted to know that no matter what had happend recently it was still me and him against everything and we could be a family. He did get the letter and the picture but by the time he replyed it was too late.

Dan drove me back for the final appointment and again we sat in silence. he sat in the waiting room with me and although I didn’t know what to say to him I asked him one thing. ‘Don’t I get a choice?’ He ignored me and acted as though I hadn’t even said anything. I wanted nothing more than to run out the door and leave him there but where would I go? You couldn’t even get out without them buzzing the door open and then id get accused of wasting everyone’s time, id already seen the first Doctor so surely I had come too far to just go home and have the baby I wanted more than anything else.

I wanted Leon to come throught the door and drag me out and we could have our happy ever after but how could he where he was? Dan just sat there like he was waiting at the Doctors for a check up, he didn’t even look at me as I was sat next to him and when the nurse came to me and told me to follow her I looked at him one last time with my last hope. Willing him to tell me i could go home and have my baby and that I didn’t have to go with her. He didn’t even look up at me, just starred at his book, so I followed her up the stairs holding the pictures in my hand in my pocket. It felt so cruel to get a picture of your baby when so soon it would be gone. My picture of my baby, my little black and white blob with a tiny heart.

When she sat me down with a hot chocolate fifteen minutes later she asked me if the guy downstairs was the dad. I told her no the dad was in prison and wouldn’t be out for a long while, so I was alone and I had no choice. However true it was, it still broke my heart and although id been crying since I got half way up the stairs I sat there in this big comfy chair and sobbed to myself. My baby was gone. Taken from me and id never ever know weather my first born would have been a boy or a girl.

As I walked through the door’s to the waiting room Dan didn’t even look up at me. I stood in front of him feeling like a stranger until he got up and we were let outside. After all of his coldness to me inside it now I needed him, I was still crying, it was just me and him and all I wanted was a cuddle from the man who was supposed to love me. Instead all I got was his back as he walked off to the car. I got in the car wishing we were closer to home so I could just walk home rather than sit next to him for the ride home. Nobody even knew where we were and I sat there sobbing next looking out of the window as we left the car park and my baby behind.

I decided that while he was driving it was a good chance to ask him some questions as he couldn’t ignore me, but if he did I could scream at him and if that didn’t work I could hit him. I asked him why in the waiting room he’d never told me I could change my mind. His answer confirmed how I already felt about him ‘because I knew you would.’ Here he was telling me that he never gave me a choice as he knew I would have kept my baby. A baby that had nothing to do with him. All because of his reputation and how it would look to his parents.

I kept thinking how if it had been different and Leon was out we would have been a family and we would have been happy. Leon didn’t have the money that Dan had but our baby would have had everything it needed and he would have been happy about being a dad not dragging me to a clinic. We would have been happy and just forgot the last month and the stupid mistakes we both made. Id never know now though would i?